Human nature is a tricky thing. To understand why people behave in a certain way even under certain circumstances can be quite complicated. You, for instance. You have always been such a mystery to me. Even though I feel I know you well, and to some extent I do, I also feel I don't know much about you and your life. You've always made a point of hiding yourself from me. Years ago I would've taken it personally, but it seems in the past few years I've grown and changed and learned to manage my own insecurities, at least a bit.
Regardless, though I do tend to let my guard down and open myself up to you, I still don't feel entirely free or confident to tell you what I'm thinking, nor to ask you what's on your mind. You see, from the begining we've always had this ambigious way about each other where we allow ourselves into the deepest intimacy, but we build this huge barrier around the most mundane of things. And I don't think it's even a matter of trust, although I do somtimes wonder why you always kept me at a bigger distance than anyone else. I don't ask about it anymore, of course.
There's something so rare about us. We've come and gone, we've been through all the unimaginable ups and downs. We've loved and hated each other. We've hurt and cared for each other. We've been trhough all of it and none of it, and yet, here we are, years later, as if time never really went by, and I still can't manage to figure you out.
I don't know if we'll ever meet again. I don't know how it's gonna be if we ever do. I can say for sure that it was nice to see you. It was nice to somehow reconnect. I do really enjoy your company when we're in a good place, when you decide to be friendly and even sweet. I've always felt comfortable with you during those moments. But I must be honest, it still bothers me when you suddenly go aloof and careless out of nowhere, as if you feared getting too close.
I want you to know that I did miss you after you left. I guess I kinda got used to having you around the last time we met. After we said our good-byes and I watched you walk away I felt a void. Maybe it was just the silence surrounding me after a hectic and busy week. Maybe it was your absence. I cannot be sure of the reason, but I am sure about that feeling of emptiness.
I hope the day comes when we can leave the games behind and just be sincere to each other, and when we don't feel like we have to hide that we actually get along and like and care for each other. Maybe the day will come, maybe it'll be in another lifetime.
As always, take care.
V.-
